We've officially entered Fall, so we had to pick a beard for this month who thoroughly enjoys a hot pumpkin spice latte. It's true because you read it on the internet. And since I'm writing this post-beardterviewing him, he cannot contest it.
Actually, this particular beard belongs deep in the woods, ne'er a pumpkin in sight. You might even call him a Swanson if he hadn't actually been the inspiration for the character. Also a true statement (internet, duh).
Meet Ronald Bartholomew McBeardenstein:
Q: What do you call yourself and why?
A: RONALD BARTHOLOMEW MCBEARDENSTEIN is my Christian name, but my friends refer to me simply as "The Bearded Guy". "The Bearded Guy" is much easier to say and quickly distinguishes my faceplant and I from the other men in the room (unless he's at Storehouse Community Church where there are a number of solid beards).
Q: What makes you different from other beards?
A: Well first there is my waviness. I am not a stringy beard nor am I a nappy one. I have much more wave and volume thus providing my wearer with a high degree of facial protection and a manly silhouette. I have also been told that I am surprisingly soft to the touch.
Q: Is there any particular reason you planted yourself on the face you chose?
A: I chose the face that I am attached to primarily to hide his soft, chubby, baby face. A man with his qualities and giftings simply could not go through life looking soft and un-intimidating. I helped him to achieve a level of manhood that he could not have done on his own. Plus, he brushes me regularly with a high quality boar bristle brush.
Q: When did you start growing? Have you ever had to make a comeback from the horror of being chopped off?
A: I began growing in the year 2013. The face I'm attached to had several weeks off from work following the birth of his son. I saw this as the opportunity to revive his manliness that had lied dormant for far too long. This was the first time I had been able to grow back since that fateful day in the year 2011 when my faceplant was forced to shave me in order to secure employment as a government contractor. If they really wanted to deter people from their facility, they would have kept me front and center, but that's the government for you.
Q: What would you say are your worst and best qualities?
A: My best quality is that I have no bad qualities. However, if you are going to press me for a potential negative, I would have to say my absorbency can at times be a challenge. Let me illustrate... imagine you are out having hot wings or really amazing BBQ. Throughout the meal, you would notice that not a single drop of sauce has touched your shirt, which would be due to my incredible absorbency. I have provided a layer of protection during that meal that no other growth can provide. Regardless of how incredible this quality is, my wearer tends to find it embarrassing and refrains from hot wings and saucy BBQ meals in public. What a shame...
Q: Describe your dream vacation.
A: My dream vacation would be a bow hunt in Montana during early winter. Frost and snow would would have no impact on my faceplant as I would provide a shield of grizzled mane manliness that is virtually impenetrable. This would be a most enjoyable and relaxing vacation. Hunting is to a beard what yoga is for women, except you get to kill something.
Q: What's the most embarrassing situation you've put your faceplant in or gotten him through?
A: When my faceplant and I are out and about, he is often approached by strange women who ask if they can stroke me. This quite often becomes an embarrassing situation for him as he has been happily married for over 11 years now. My faceplant usually fumbles his way through the conversations, but luckily for him, his wife is there to help. You see, she realizes that it isn't him they are interested in; they are intrigued by the beard and not man. One day he'll get it right. Oh, and there was that one time my faceplant was mistaken for a hipster...that poor fella still has to eat through a straw.
Q: As a former winner of a beard competition (Nov. 2015), if you could compete in anything other than being a great beard, what would you compete in?
A: Well that one's easy... bare knuckle bear wrestling, if you can really call that competition. It's been an ambition of mine to compete in that sport on a professional level for some time now. I find the challenge similar to that of synchronized swimming, but you get to travel and hunt, which is like yoga, except you get to kill things.
McBeardenstein is rather eloquent for a beard who wants to be off in the wilderness punching bears in the face. Well, sir, we do hope you get the chance to go on that bow hunting trip eventually, and make sure to take with you all the saucy foods you can't eat among those judgy civilized folks.
For all you beards who want to grow up to be just like this one, enjoy free shipping until Oct. 18 with coupon code LIKEYOGA. It's like yoga, except you get to kill things (like that dryness in your face hair.)